Sellophane

This is Vereschagin's painting Apotheosis of War (1871), it came to be admired as one of the earliest artistic expressions of pacifism.
Do any of us wonder why??

***

Listening to Gypsy Kings cover of Hotel California, maybe it's the song. Maybe it's something else I am really sad now. No, it's not your usual brand of self-pitied sorrow that stems from some random, unimportant event that you will forget about in a day, maybe a week or maybe even longer. No, I can't trace back this melancholy back to someone or something. It's just a general emotion that has pervaded into me. It's a mixture of everything maybe, the inevitability of my exams, doubt. I just read something in I's blog, maybe it's not meant to be read in such a manner but I somehow can't feeling the twang of it right into my core. It's this sweet smelling potion that we are concocting here, and we need to keep mixing nectar into it? Not because you want to, but because otherwise the potion spills. But what if, I decide to let the potion spill. Do something that I want. Place the I above the them. Maggie had partial duties, a duty to Philip and one to Lucy. She also had a duty to herself, didn't she?? What if??

Memory.


I miss her, I really do.
Last coherent conversation we had.

Hanedin: So you are leaving, eh?
R: Ya, I guess this is it then...
Hanedin: So, you got any piece of advice for me?
R: Just stay away from that girl man?! She is just wrong for you?
Hanedin: Haha, do not worry. Fuck I ain't getting back together with her.

I watched as she hugged him. Let us call him X for convenience sake. I watched as she hugged X and I hurriedly suppressed what could have been the surprising string of jealousy. No can't be I said to myself

(Er, I did go out with her, i.e. the girl I was told not to go out with, now I don't know whether I did the right thing or not.)
She left, now the obvious question arises...was I in love with this girl. Well, no not really. R however was the only person who understood me. Sigh, I was really attracted to her though, I always wanted to kiss her.
I had to meet her the last day, the day she left. I wish I didn't now
the inequality of needs. I needed her, she never did.
Somethings are just not meant to be.

PS: R ----> NOT RADZ!!!

Harumpf, sleep less night. And all groggy eyed. What with the university exams racing towards me, I decided to stay up and finish not only George Elliot's mill on the floss but also a couple of here-and-there-but-actually-nowhere-really stuff from Modern Indian Literature. After that I decided that I will watch 300, the copy of which I was downloading from Torrent.

Well things did not really turn out the way I did plan them to. It's 8:36 right now, it's bright, cheery and energetic morning...yech. All I want to do is sleep.

Due to a number of reasons such as it being a wonderful night (Van Morrison clouded my intellect, it's a marvellous night for a moondance), the excitement of finally watching 300, the insanely stupid but tragic life of Maggie Tuliver, late night shifa phone calls all did their bit in the achievment of the non-completion of my goals.

So, I decided to characterisitcally procastinate. However that is when I realized that the file I downloaded was in the form of a BIN/CUE file. Yes, long sigh. Which made me download 4 different forms of software, one daemon tool, one ISO cracker...I still haven't been able to watch it...

Maybe, I should study or something??!!?

Imagine waking up all alone.

The soft linen sheet crawl onto the underside of your hands as their lingering touch awakens you. Plastered walls, plastered ceilings and a thousand plastered thoughts crash onto you as you realize it's morning.

Imagine waking up alone?
You watch as a few misplaced rays of the sun nestle into various crannies of your room. You watch as a certain adventurous shaft of light cause dappled shadows on the bed and it's occupants.

Imagine waking up alone?
Imagine waking up alone, and all you want to do is bleed, just so that you know you are alive. "yeah you bleed just to know you are alive", goo goo dolls was it?

But even if you bleed, what good does it do? You are still alone, alone in spite of the girl whose soft, periodic respiration establishes a strange harmony in your head.

You can hold her in your arms, delve and dissolve in the memories of the night before when she bit onto your shoulders in the midst of fragmented happiness. Did you bleed then?

Imagine waking up all alone?
What did you say,
you don't need to?


::Unfragmented, unrefined, crass crap, I agree, just need to get it out of my system::

Exams around the corner, people leaving, the fact that I don't really care. Sickness. Hypocrisy. Decadence. Hard Times meets modern times did I say? Sufi Music, philosophies, not really important. How heavy is your wallet though? Heavy enough?
Frustration.

INSANE BUTTERFLY

Butterflies float in my head
Jagged wings, bleeding rainbow
Breakfast with cheese spread
Butterflies and a severed elbow.
Insane
Pain
Jigsaw pieces scattered on the floor
Spilled tea flows up my my nostril
Smash me against the wall, implore
Bullets in my eyes, please hold still
Demented
Dented
Strangle me with guitar strings
Look for the right chord
My coronach, will you sing for me
Will you pin the butterfly on the board
Torment
Vent
Cage me, Kill me, Die
Can you do it?
Who's Insane? Me? Lie
Can you do it?
Insane
Slain...