Sellophane

I found this online. Shakespeare quotes: Reinterpreted. Rolling like a drill now are we shakho-kabi?

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

Fits of anti social ness. Phrases and words, huge chunks of them in different sizes and shapes are strewn around a crinkly wrinkly wily cranium. Make new shapes out of them, join half a dog (chow) and an adjective for the average man (mean) to make funky snake like gourmet dish. Trace trails of ciggys and take a swim in clunky ash trays. Is that what they teach you? Win a couple lose a couple.

Zephyr Song. Crouch, Couch, Ouch, Uch. Shudder, Sun, Rudder, Udder.
Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall
Humpty Dumpty Went off To Sleep.

Pick your nose, draw crinkly brackets. Integrate your thoughts and differentiate your pain. Only to add to the net total a healthy does of crinkly forehead wrinkles. Now multiply all of this with the pain in your muscles. Did you get the right answer? No silly mistakes? Remember your rules of BODMAS? Wait. I am not done yet. Divide all of this with the kind of silly memory god has bestowed upon you? What does all this mean? What is reality? Fakeosiitude.

Of Plimpy Penises and Victorious Vaginas. Of Punitive Pricks and Vindictive Vags. Of Aliterated Asses and one pink bum cheek.

Suddenly, he wakes up. Eyes open, only to be greeted by the kind of distorted, surreal sight that only fishes and mermaids deem normative. Glug Glug. Rise up child. Break the surface like a stoned dolphin trying to barbecue itself in the sweaty sun. Break the surface, only to crash right back into it. Approximately 6.31367822 seconds of absolute freedom. Out of which 2.97565257 seconds are spent in cotemplating how you are going to fall. That doesn't give you much time to be free or live/fly/burn/inotherwordschosewhatyouwanttodo. Well then leap out more often said the wise dolphin to me.

Too much of an effort. Flying fishes are cooler, but they be too ugly. So Dolphin it shall be, except that this dolphin shall jump and not come back.
Nope.
Not yet.

Actually, never.

asmallboysittinginacornerhe'ssittinglisteningtohisownbreathhischestexpandscontractshe'sexhalingandthebreathmistsupinfrontofhiseyesthefourwalledroomitsgotscratcheson itnailshumannailsscratchedoutinpainanddesperationbitsofnailandclottedbloodsticktothewallandthenherealizesthewallsareclosinginhisbreathhastensbutthensodothewallscompressingairconstricting lightdecimatingthoughtdestroyingalifeathoughtatatimeandthenthewallscloseinandwecan'tseeanymorebut theboyneverscreamswehearishisbreathandthenthattoodisappearsintheepilogueofonelastcrunch.

asmallboy
sittinginacorner
he'ssittinglisteningtohisownbreathhischestexpandscontract
she'sexhalingandthebreathmistsupinfrontofhiseyes
thefourwalledroomitsgotscratcheson itnailshumannails
scratchedout
inpainanddesperation
bitsofnailandclottedbloodsticktothewall
andthenherealizesthewallsareclosingin
hisbreathhastens
butthensodothewalls
compressing
air
constrictinglight
decimatingthought
destroyingalifeathoughtatatime
andthenthewallscloseinandwecan'tseeanymore
but
theboyneverscreams
wehearishisbreathandthenthattoodisappearsintheepilogueofonelast

crunch.