Haven't I had enough.
They all pretend to know what they are talking about. Assured faces crumbling like burnt paper. Haven't I had enough. It's strange when you realize that putting your head on someone's lap and then just looking at birds in the sky can be so exhilarating.
At times I want to rip some cables, cop some wires..add in a few a severed copper bits. I wish I could just let go, and let it rip. But these rips of mine, well at least let me call them that are never more than a few centimeters across. A mosquito's bite is more lethal than that. A pocket that echo's like the inside of a skull.
I wonder what it would have been had I been born some other day.
Maybe one day I shall just kill myself.
A fancy death too, dying in a bath of kerosenes that is lit.
Ugh! Mosquitos.
If I walked through a street,
a street in a black and white memory,
the kind that has rusted with age,
I wonder, would I look to my sides?
Look at windows that bleed in the darkness
And empty rooms that stink off rotting thought.
Would I look at the rooms where coins jingle merrily
as a soul is raped under the gaze of my salivating brothers.
Or would I want to burn this memory,
that festers like a sore on the underside of my foot?
My thoughts are interrupted,
I hear a voice say, "Does it hurt?"
Does it?
Can you buy me a dream?
A real one, one that pulses and breathes like a living being.
Yes I think, I can.
Could you get me one, when you go to the market. And don't forget a pretty little cage and a really really sharp knife. So, that the cuts are perfect.
We don't want jagged edges do we?
Hanedin: Why doesn't she believe me?
Kaya: Maybe she believes you? But how does she know that you aren't fooling yourself? Why should she think that you have changed?
Hanedin: She shouldn't. I hope she doesn't. I don't think I have changed. I don't think that she would want me to change.
Kaya: Then what would she want?
Hanedin: She would want me to do, what I think is right.
Kaya: And what may that be?
Hanedin: To be there?
Kaya: With her...
Hanedin: With or Without, it is not important. I need to be there. That is all I need, that is all I desire.
Kaya: You are a coward.
Hanedin: Yes, hence I am practical.
Kaya: Weirdo!
***
Kaya begun as a person, now she has become a part of me. She keeps me sane at times.
I probably would not have published this, had I not been so sleep deprived. I have an espanol paper tomorrow, I shall flunk it. Sigh, but then I did well in my exam. I am pleased. As punch I think...
