Blogs and other websites always have a link called home. Earlier I would just ignore it knowing it would take me to where I began. But in these days of not knowing where things began and where they will end, this link has taken a particular significance for me.
There is no home anymore. Things have changed, what I thought was home is just a strange shell. All the curves and scratches remain intact. It's still smooth and shiny as ever. It even glistens in the sun like before.
It's just that you can't hear the sea anymore. The roaring, raging sea. It's gone now. Poof!
Just like that.
I end up watching films the most when I shouldn't be. For instance, I have seen Terminator: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Salvation, Ninja Assasin, Wolfman, From Paris with Love, Quantam of Solace, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Leon in the last three days. That's almost three movies a day, and in two weeks I am supposed to be handing in two essays 5000 words each. And how many words have I written: 300. So I still have 9700. 97% of my work left. Fun life isn't it.
You realize one day, that you can't write anymore. Of course, you can write. Your fingers will still pitter patter over the obedient keyboard. Letters in a pre selected font will still form themselves on the cold screen in front of you. But you can't write.
Words no longer bubble up from the depths of your mind. Thoughts no longer form sentences. Everything that you write is weirdly symmetrical and somehow dead.
You realize that you have lost your muse. You have lost the ability to write, because when you wrote you performed for an audience. A very specific audience, and now that those canine fangs no longer flash. You can't write because you don't want to.
The words are dead. As is the heart. Symmetry and Order tries to take over your beautiful world of spontaneous combustion.
Teeter Totter. Wag-an-Otter.
When you know what you want is just there? Right there. Over there, behind that door. Like the last level of a particularly complicated PC Game. When you know the sword of light that will kill the orcs and free the elves is right there to be swished around, that is when the pause button seems the nicest and the shiniest. But life doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. I am waiting, waiting for someone to find the pause button. Till then I can either stay in one place, go back or maybe open the door.
Ugh! This sucks...
